25 weeks

25 weeks today. Ian has about a 50% chance of survival should he be born right now. He better not, though. I couldn't stand having a baby now and having to worry and wait until my actual due date to take him home. It's still really nice to know that he'd have a good chance though. :) I'm having a very icky day. I hurt everywhere. I just feel miserable. I'm actually about to go lie down again because I'm hurting so much. It's just a lot of pain in my hips and legs. It's like I'm not sleeping right or something--this is the second day in a row I have woken up and felt so crappy. I started to feel better yesterday, but then I woke up again today and I hurt. I need to figure out something I can do about this because there is no way I can do it for another 15 weeks. Too painful. I think I'll go take a shower and lie down. Maybe that will help me feel better. What stinks is I have 2 finals that take about 3 hours a piece to finish that I have to have done by tomorrow. I was going to do one today and one tomorrow. I don't know yet if that will happen--I hurt. :(

Just some stuff

Sometimes, being pregnant is not what I expected at all. It's getting a little bit annoying to wake up in pain everyday. Today, my legs are completely cramped up. I have some exercises to try that supposedly will help, but it's too hard to stand, which I need to do to do the exercises. I'm pretty sure my problem would be helped if I add a little more potassium to my diet, so I'll need to work on that, but still. It hurts. :( And I'm having more apprehension about Hazen leaving than I have before. I'm so scared of him missing the bonding experience for the first 6 months. I haven't even allowed myself to think he won't be here for the birth. That baby is COMING OUT before August 12, he has no choice. I'm scared that he's going to come back and the baby will cry. I was already feeling overwhelmed at the thought of having a newborn by myself (thank God for my dad, I don't know what I would do without his help), but now I'm scared that when he gets back, I'll still be by myself, if that makes sense. If Ian won't tolerate just being with Hazen, I don't think I could handle that. It would break my heart if Ian cries with Hazen, I don't even want to think about what it would do to Hazen. I'm worried about how he's feeling, because he won't really talk about it. I wonder if he feels guilty or anything that he's going to miss out on some things. It's not his fault--he has to work. This is part of his job, and it's a part of his job I was completely aware of when I married him. We can't change that. Still can't help feeling a little sorry for us sometimes, though. I did find a cute little onesie that I'm going to get for Ian for when we welcome Hazen back. I wish I could remember exactly what it said but it's something to do with Daddy being his hero with a little soldier on it. Very cute. :) A happier thing is that Ian is really active again. So much so, that it almost bugs me sometimes. He'll just relentlessly beat my insides. Last night, I set the tv remote on my belly just to watch him bounce it around. It was really entertaining. :)

Frustrated

I went shopping with my friend Patty the other day at Motherhood. She's about 18 weeks, and is still tiny. We're both tiny--I'm almost 25 weeks and I'm still not looking obviously pregnant. I'm just bugged because I was IN a maternity store, WEARING maternity clothes, and still, no one knew I was pregnant. There was a woman in there due July 4, only 5 weeks ahead of me, and she was obviously pregnant. I was actually surprised she still had that long to go, to be honest. Now, I think I'm HUGE because I've been so small my entire life that I just can't believe people can't tell I'm pregnant not chunky. Now, they realized that Patty was pregnant because she was the one trying stuff on (I've done my shopping, so I'm trying to be good and not get too much more)and they talk to her about her due date and stuff. We go up to pay (or Patty goes up to pay) and I asked about the lotion because I had the white but switched to the pink "vanilla bean" last time. I discovered that not only was the pink stuff more runny, but it smelled like play-doh, not vanilla bean. So the lady finally asks "Are you pregnant, too?". Finally. I guess I'm just flustered that I'm so far along and still not obvious. I know I'll be glad when I'm not huge at the end but right now, I'd just like someone to acknowledge me. I really feel like I must just look fat when people do that, you know? It's so upsetting. :(

And another appointment

Today was my 24 week appointment--at 23wks6days. I saw a different doctor, Dr. Rensch, because she is a delivery doctor. I talked to her about options for induction and stuff since Hazen has an in country date of Aug. 21--9 days after my due date! That means he'll only be here for about 5 or 6 days after I'm due! The first thing she told us was to make sure to have a lot of sex beginning week 37. We both must have looked at her strangely because she said "I know, a 40-year-old woman telling you to go out and have sex, but I mean it!". Around the same time, they'll start checking me every week to see if I'm "ripe". If I am, they'll look into inducing me. I don't want to go that way, I'm all for letting him come when he wants to, but I don't want hazen to miss the birth of his baby. It's going to be hard enough having them meet only to have them seperate for 6 months. He's going to come home to an entirely different life as it is. I just really REALLY want some pictures and video of them together before he leaves. It's really important to me that Ian at least have that. Weight is going up. I've been gaining an average of 2 pounds a week, a little high, but I think Ian's just going through a growth spurt. He was pretty inactive for a little while, but he's been kicking the crap out of me again recently. I weighed 136 3/4 at this appointment, up from 126 1/4 at my last appointment. For the first time this entire pregnancy, the doctor said my weight gain looked good. THANK YOU! It's hard to believe that I've gained almost 10 pounds since the beginning. I don't look 10 pounds heavier (I don't think). I guess it's mostly baby. His heartrate was 154bpm, right around where it's been the entire time. :)

Hazen felt the baby!

He lied to me a couple of weeks ago and said he felt it, but I KNEW he was lying. He didn't make any reaction to the monster kick (apparently it was just monster to me) and just kind of had a "whatever" attitude when he said he felt it. But then, I was feeling some really good movements--good enough that I could see them outside. I told Hazen to look at my tummy, that Ian was doing gymnastics. Instead of looking, he put his hand on me (he never listens...) and almost right away Ian gave a HUGE kick. Hazen got all wide eyed and jumped up and said "Wow!" with this big goofy smile on his face. I got him to admit then that he had LIED to me about feeling it the first time. Poop head. I don't know why he still thinks he can get away with lying to me--I ALWAYS know. We've been together too long for him to think differently...

Mommy to the rescue

After telling my mommy about my horrible shopping experience, we met up the next weekend so we could shop together. She helped me look at everything in a way that it wasn't scary. We found the perfect outfit for Ian, his "coming home" outfit. Perfect little thing for him to wear on his way home in August. It's a little onesie/shortall set with a matching baseball hat, sandals, and socks. Soooo precious. I felt a million times better after that. What would I do without my mommy? :)