I just want to stay home

A lot of the girls on a message board I go to are having a discussion about how to handle school when our three-year-olds start (only a couple of years away!). Since they work full-time, they are having a hard time figuring out how to get the kids to school at 7:30/8:00 and pick them up at 12:30 or 3:30 depending on whether they go to full or half day kindergarten. Others are having issues now with preschool. Since it only runs for a couple of hours a day a couple of times a week, a lot of their kiddos can't go, or they're going to very expensive full-day preschools. And I imagine a lot of kids of two working parents go to kindergarten earlier than they might if they had a stay at home parent. I mean, free kindergarten or expensive daycare...it's tempting.

I'm not worried about any of this. Once Hazen is back in, the most I'll work out of the home is part-time. And I'm seriously looking into taking some more accounting software classes, namely Quickbooks, so I can do accounting from home (I've found several opportunities, but they all want me to be proficient in Quickbooks...we used Peachtree in school, so I know nothing!). I'm not worried about Ian going to preschool, and I'm definitely not hoping that his school will do full-day kindergarten (I personally think that is too much for 4-6 year olds--half day kindergarten was great for me!) and offer before and after school programs.

My personal feeling (this is not meant to offend, it's just how I feel) is that we've started to care too much about status and money. I really don't think it's too much for a parent to be home in the early years of a child's life. They go quickly, and there is time for pursuing careers later when they're in school. I just can't imagine sending my kiddo somewhere else for 9-10 hours a day 5 days a week. I know that I would still be "mommy" but honestly--my child would spend more waking hours with daycare providers than his parents. I guess I don't fully buy that he would be learning my values...how would he really even know them? And that's just the mental aspect--the cost on top of that is crazy! Almost a third of my current take-home income would be going to daycare costs if he was doing that full-time. If we have another baby, it would be well over HALF of my take-home pay. What sense does that even make?

Now that Ian is 3, I feel like going to preschool a couple of days a week for 3 hours at a time would be fun for him. He likes to play with other kids. But beyond that...it makes me nauseas to think about. I guess that's how I've discovered that the full-time thing doesn't work for me. I literally feel sick when I think about my baby being under other people's care for his entire day. And then to have to put a 6-12 week old in there full-time? I feel so blessed to have gotten the time I did with my baby when he was born, and that when I couldn't be there over this last year, his dad could. And now the roles will switch again, and I can't wait. I'm a mom first. Yes, I have an education, one I'm still paying for, but that will always be there. My baby isn't going to stay little forever. He won't ever say his first word, cut his first tooth, or take his first steps again. I don't know how people can survive missing that. I would have been heartbroken if I'd gotten a report at the end of the day "he took three steps today!" and I hadn't been there to see it. Even now, I get phone calls and pictures of the cute things that he does and learns while I'm at work and it tears me up that I'm missing it. I'm his mommy--I'm supposed to be there! And the breastfeeding. I know people manage to do it while working full-time, but I have to say it had to have been much easier for me not working. I could be at his beck and call 24/7. No pumping, no bottles. Just me and my newborn. Easy-peasy. I have VERY strong feelings about breastfeeding, but I don't know if even I could make it work if I was at work 9 hours a day. Pumping sucks!

I guess it's easy for me to say these things, though. I really enjoyed the stay-at-home thing. I love cooking and baking and cleaning and taking my kid on adventures. I love that when my husband comes home, there aren't things that need to be done--it's taken care of. I think I was born a few decades too late. ;)

I don't ever want to go back to full-time work. Literally--ever. Part-time is the most I see myself doing. I want to be the one dropping my kids off and picking them up. I want to volunteer in their classes. And I want to be that annoying mom that is in the bleachers for EVERY SINGLE GAME. I don't want to worry about how I'm going to find and pay people to watch my children because I have somewhere else to be. I just want to be the best mom I can be. And I guess I just don't see how I could do that without being there.