Confessions of a Working Mom

I suck at it. I mean, really, I am no good. Don’t get me wrong, I try to be good at both (working and being a mom) but there are just not enough hours in the day for me to feel good about the effort I put into either. And if I have a good “work day” or “mom day”, I can guarantee the other didn’t go so well.

My personality is a hindrance, I’ve decided. I have this horrible need to be fantastic at everything I do, so I put too much pressure on myself. I force myself to be this happy, well-organized, speedy employee. And I am all of those. But then I also force myself to be the one with the clean house, with the well-behaved child, with the smart child, with the well-adjusted child, who sends the Christmas cards, that handles the household catastrophes, that makes sure meals are prepared, groceries are shopped for, etc, etc. I am quickly learning it’s not possible to do everything. And then the things I allow myself to get “lazy” about (updating family with pictures, for example) seem to come back to haunt me...hence the three angry messages I received from my grandmother this weekend regarding pictures I’ve promised to send and never have. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that when I have the 30 minutes available to do it, I would rather do something else…like sleep. Or eat. Or nothing. Sometimes nothing is really good.

The little bit of time I get with my son when I’m home at night is completely ruined by my wishing it was bedtime. I seriously spend the 2 hours I get with him waiting for him to go to sleep—it’s horrible. I’m dead tired by the time I get home and either want to watch some of my shows or just go to bed. I can’t do either with Mr. Crazy running around. And then of course I feel like crap for looking forward to bedtime rather than enjoying the precious few hours I get a day with my son. I try and make up for it on the weekends, of course, but I am not a weekend mom. I spend 5 days a week feeling guilty and like my priorities are “off”, but of course it’s necessary to our family that I work right now. I just didn’t realize how hard it would be to leave him for so many hours a day.

When I found out I got this job, I was so excited. I had just spent 5 years in college working towards this degree, and the first job I interviewed for, I got. It was really thrilling and kind of a boost to think that the time and money spent on the education was worth it. But as my start date got closer and the realization that I wouldn’t be home with my kid every hour anymore, it got less thrilling. Then I started and was busy and learning, and it was exciting again. The days went quickly, and Ian was always so happy to see me when I got home. But now, I’m not busy, I’m not learning, and I’m sitting here counting down the days to when I can be home again. I need some kind of happy medium, and this just isn’t it.